Sometimes, I can't believe that I am still pregnant. That I am still carrying this little miracle inside of me. That might sound odd, coming from someone who isn't even 30 weeks pregnant yet, but for me every week I gain is a new goal accomplished. I remember distinctly when the doctor's told me that if I could hold off giving birth until 28 weeks, Jack would have a much better chance at survival. He would have had to face challenges, but he would have had a better chance. And now, I sit here almost 27 weeks pregnant with Owen thinking, "wow, I've almost made it to 7 months pregnant, he might just be ok".
That is the hardest thing about a rainbow pregnancy. You are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the moment when you get bad news and it's all over. The anxiety is overwhelming and at times, depressing. Because all you want in your heart is to be happy, but your mind is constantly reminding you of what could go wrong. It's enough to keep you up at night, that's for sure.
But, I read a really good book about pregnancy after loss where each person gave their account of their loss, and then followed it with their story of hope. (It's called Journey's: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss). It was inspiring and reassuring that good things do happen. And then I am a part of a group of women on facebook, who provide me support and encouragement everyday and I am so thankful for them. So I have been trying to find ways to stay positive, even when it's hard. I think I will breathe a little easier once we get to 28 weeks. We won't be "in the clear" or anything, but at least we'll have made it that far.