Saturday, May 21, 2011

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It has been a really good week for baby Owen. We had our first two non-stress tests and he did very well at both of them. His daddy and I went to our second pre-natal class and learned all about natural childbirth. Then we followed that up by scheduling our c-section for July 14th, 2011 at 8:00am. Not trying to put natural childbirth down at all, we just have to have a repeat c-section since that was what we had with Jack. I would much rather have intense pain over the course of a few days, as opposed to a spinal block and full on surgery with an 8 week recovery time. But as long as Owen comes out fat and happy, and hopefully crying, it's all worth it.
I feel like we made a lot of progress forward, making it all the way to 30 weeks pregnant.
But then, that nagging worry creeps into my head. Am I getting too happy? Am I too excited about this baby? Will it all be for nothing? Will our loss come in some other form this time? Questions, questions, questions. They plague my every waking thought and dreams. And being at home on bedrest doesn't help distract me from these thoughts. Even when I am trying to work from home, I find myself drifting off into these "what if" scenarios. Not only do you have the normal first-time parent worries, you have the -we've experienced a loss before- worries. It is enough to make you want to buckle. And granted, writing for me is a release, so please don't send the Calvary after me. It's just good to put these thoughts down somewhere. To get them out.
I keep trying to stay positive. I try to remind myself that we are doing really well, the baby is growing and we have lots of love and support. Sometimes, I am able to conquer my fears with this technique. When I fail, I look for support by reminding myself of my friends who have gone on to have successful pregnancies. I re-read success stories from people I don't even know, that I find online. Just to refill my well of hope. But it is hard. It is so very hard.


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